Hello Candidate A,

Inspired by my husband's latest stint on NPR, heard here, I am going to see how long I can commit to writing a blog, mainly to document my children's lives and reactions to them, since I will never be a scrapbooker and am already forgetting the things in their young lives that I swore to myself I would remember (because I have a stellar memory...or at least I used to...before kids). And perhaps this will help me make a better choice at 5am, when I'm up nursing Benny. Instead of watching the Skinny Switch Secret infomercial, I can write about the gritty details of being wrenched out of a beautiful dream to be milked so early in the morning. 

And one day Benny can read it and feel some Jewish guilt. 

No, I don't like that.

A bit about the title:  Hello Candidate (A&B), was the beginning of mock emails I was forced to write while applying for a job. Didn't get the job. Job hunting (especially in a new town, after taking care of my children for a year) makes me feel like a constant Candidate A (or B). I am lucky and grateful to have been able to spend all of this time with Benny and Jack. If only it paid better. 

Watching them (9 months, almost 3 years) start to play together is the highlight. When they laugh with (at) each other, I know heaven. Jack can stand still and make Benny laugh (and, oddly, Ben thinks it's super funny when Jack cries. must break him of this). And lately, Benny makes Jack laugh with his spits and yells. Their interaction constantly reminds me of that Time Magazine article a few years back on how siblings (or lack thereof) shape personalities, even more so than parents or friends. Article here. 

This is definitely true for me. Growing up with a developmentally delayed (autistic? she's never been properly assessed) sister has done numerous things to my personality. Obviously, some good (sensitivity, open-mindedness), some not (warped sense of self, self-blame), some too sensitive to identify. I mentally, physically and emotionally surpassed my older sister at a very young age and did whatever I could to make that somehow okay. Today, we live thousands of miles apart and can barely hold a conversation, though we talk on the phone often. I spent years trying to "fix" my sister's situation (I've read this is common - siblings of people with developmental, physical and/or emotional differences often feel it is their responsibility to solve these puzzles, or at the very least, make them easier. we are embedded in that impossibility). I love my sister, but had to move to the other side of the country to fully start my own life. I know several people who have a sibling they cannot connect with or who is just mean or jealous or unhappy. It is incredibly lonely to not have a positive relationship with your sibling. Even while having friends, there is a huge social and emotional loss. 

I think about it everyday. I think about her everyday. I think about what Ben and Jack's relationship will be like as adults. How can I foster and help develop their connection? I have a cousin who used to tell her children to be nice to each other because they will want somewhere to go for Thanksgiving in the future. Funny, but it worked! They are all grown with children now, living in the same city, and seem very close. Maybe I'll try that.